( he almost can't believe he's being asked that question - he did kiss back, didn't he? - but merlin nods a little too vigorously to confirm the okayness, the motion which has his face free of his hands, blushing cheeks hurt under the strength of his smile, which max can now witness for himself. an audible confirmation never quite reaches his mouth, so he hopes the physical qualifies enough for now, because a moment later and his expression droops, eyes falling to the ground.
max the boy witch. so forbidden it's nearly unheard of, something maybe even worse than the crime of magic. another thing camelot will hate about merlin, another thing he finds difficult to accept within himself because... because he will be shunned, if he does. a kiss from a boy which made him happier than he's ever been now feels a little like ash in his mouth, because he shouldn't want it, because it's a sinful crime -- not that merlin really believes that. he can't preach magic and turn down something else that defines a person, that a person can't choose as just is. but -- he isn't. he can't be. his mother would cry. arthur would be disgusted.
he just forgot. he sees max as magic personified, as a being and not a gender ( which isn't true, it can't be, he's so strong and handsome and tall ), that he forgot. someone will believe it, he'll lie a day longer, he'll fight it, because unlike magic which pours out of him in every step and every breath, gayness is secretive. it's hidden, no one needs to know, not even merlin. except -- max kissed him, and merlin kissed back, and he wants to do so again in the future -- another time that doesn't have to be spoiled by a lifelong insecurity, telling him you're wrong, you're evil, you must be dealt with. )
I'm a boy.
( like max doesn't already know -- and yet kissed him anyway? merlin shakes his head, bottom lip bitten. )
For -- I-I'm sorry, I, um, I'm not very... ( he shakes his head again, ridding it of thought, always trying to be understanding in a world with modern developments. it's just hard. accepting magic was easy, because it's something he likes in himself. homosexuality is another story. ) Boys can... kiss boys? W-what I mean is... that is -- isn't a crime for you, either..?
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max the boy witch. so forbidden it's nearly unheard of, something maybe even worse than the crime of magic. another thing camelot will hate about merlin, another thing he finds difficult to accept within himself because... because he will be shunned, if he does. a kiss from a boy which made him happier than he's ever been now feels a little like ash in his mouth, because he shouldn't want it, because it's a sinful crime -- not that merlin really believes that. he can't preach magic and turn down something else that defines a person, that a person can't choose as just is. but -- he isn't. he can't be. his mother would cry. arthur would be disgusted.
he just forgot. he sees max as magic personified, as a being and not a gender ( which isn't true, it can't be, he's so strong and handsome and tall ), that he forgot. someone will believe it, he'll lie a day longer, he'll fight it, because unlike magic which pours out of him in every step and every breath, gayness is secretive. it's hidden, no one needs to know, not even merlin. except -- max kissed him, and merlin kissed back, and he wants to do so again in the future -- another time that doesn't have to be spoiled by a lifelong insecurity, telling him you're wrong, you're evil, you must be dealt with. )
I'm a boy.
( like max doesn't already know -- and yet kissed him anyway? merlin shakes his head, bottom lip bitten. )
For -- I-I'm sorry, I, um, I'm not very... ( he shakes his head again, ridding it of thought, always trying to be understanding in a world with modern developments. it's just hard. accepting magic was easy, because it's something he likes in himself. homosexuality is another story. ) Boys can... kiss boys? W-what I mean is... that is -- isn't a crime for you, either..?